lilmeowsy’s blog

Ho-hum! *The weekend is over...*

Well, Did I start the week right? Hmm...that’s a tough cookie to chew. Haha! Anyway, I think I almost didn’t. Why? Well, I set my alarm for 4 AM today and I slept at 11 PM last night. I was tired so I was fast asleep as soon as I hit my pillows. There I was snoring away. Then, I had a dream that I was running late for work that day. I immediately woke up and thought that it was a really bad dream. Unfortunately, it was quarter to 5. Geez! My job starts at 6!

I didn’t panic. I got up quickly. I went to the bathroom. I took a little shower and got dressed as fast as I could. I didn’t have time to drink coffee or have a light breakfast. I had to be fast since it’s a Monday and it is the start of the week so I will never know whether there is traffic or what. I woke my mum up and told her to lock the door because I am running late and I better get a move on.

I waited for a little while to ride a tricycle and then I was off to finding a cab. I know it is expensive and it isn’t a good thing to get used to but I had to or else I wouldn’t get to the office on time. It is a good thing that there was a cab in sight right away. In no time I was in the cab on my way to the office. Hooray! I got here on time. I even had about 8 minutes more before work starts which gave me enough time to drink some hot black coffee. Whew! What a start!

Now, work is over and I am heading home. Hmm...I wonder what’s cooking at home? I am famished. I want to eat something before sleeping this afternoon. Oh well, I will just post again here sooner or later. Have a great day people!

Another day has dawned on me. As I slowly wake up and compose myself to be ready for the said day, I start to wonder and ponder. What would this day have in store for me?

Yesterday was not my everyday so called perfect day and it wasn’t ideal either. These days, it’s difficult to achieve those. Well, to sum it up, yesterday wasn’t a good day for me and I am feeling that today might not be one either.

I don’t know why the past may be haunting me. It still creeps in to my present which shouldn’t really interrupt anything but of course; I do get affected by it. Relationships start and end as usual. Sadly; my first and second one never ended that well. I guess the first one was the worst of them all. Let me tell you more about it…

My life isn’t an ideal one nor was it perfect. I had a family consists of my loving parents, my younger sister, my cousins whom I am close to and more. I wasn’t a top student in class but I did my best in academics and excelled in other things like art, music and sports. I had friends but most of them aren’t my best friends. I was just a normal teenager trying to co-exist with everybody else. Actually, I can’t say I am all that normal. Let’s just say that I am a bit different in some ways. People find that strange.

My first love was my classmate and my friend for so many years. No, we weren’t childhood sweethearts. We just went to the same school and became good friends. Our love story bloomed when high school was almost about to end. Let’s say that we are late bloomers since everybody else has had their first relationships earlier than that. We thought everything would go along fine but everything changed when we went to our hometown. It is so much different from where we stayed in. With lack of guidance, we got lost. Let’s just say we were so in love that we lost track of everything else.

After a couple of years together, I decided to call off the relationship due to many reasons which I did not foresee. It was a bitter pill to swallow for him and so was it for me even if I knew it was for the best. I was lonely but I knew what was right so I disconnected myself from everyone I knew especially those who can connect me to the past where we once were. After a few years, here I am. I may not be rich or anything else but I know that I have done my best to make my life better than it was before. Now, I am trying to go back to that past. I want to be at peace with it but of course, it is my fault why it ended. I did the judgment. All I want is to be friends again or if not just to be civil or in good terms with each other. I never asked for forgiveness for I know that it isn’t easy to give but he has become an angry individual. He has a burning desire for revenge. All he has may only be hatred in his heart. The fire is burning within him. He is consumed by it. I can no longer communicate well with him.

Yes, I did move on. I worked for everything. I had mistakes. I had hard times. I did all alone without anybody to comfort me but he never truly understood why I left him. The reasons were unclear to him. No, he cannot move on and I don’t know if he will. Maybe I am wasting my time on him but for some reason, it’s hard to give up especially when there is pressure between old friends. I had the chance to turn my back and walk away last time and I promised myself that I would be brave enough to face it now, no matter what it is. Am I really that bad? He said I killed him. He said I am selfish and that all I ever think about is myself, never considering what happens next or who I leave behind. All I get from him is anger. All I feel for him is sorrow and pain. I am miserable. I want to be free, I need air, I want to break free. When will this end for me and for him? How will all this make sense? Will he ever truly understand me? There’s nothing left to say. I have nothing left to do. All I know is that it’s impossible to go on with this. It’s never right and not okay. It just gets harder every time. I wish that I could just forget about it and throw it all away but I already did it once and this is what happened. Maybe it is my destiny or my karma. Good luck to us and maybe it is better this way…

Misery loves company - Here I am drifting somewhere far from here...

How can I be at peace?

As I walk to this path called life I start to realize how time flies by so fast but then again some things remain the same and some have completely changed. I myself am lost for words whenever I encounter myself to be in those situations. As I recall, I have never been to any reunions recently but I have been invited to some and yet I feel this way. I never came because I knew of the consequences. I knew about my past and theirs. I assumed to early that I might just be alienated all over again but what if I did go there? Those questions still echo in my midst.

I have always wondered how it would feel to see someone again for the first time after not being together or keeping in touch that much before. It seems hard to be in one. I believe that the only constant thing in this world is change. I know that everything can change and so have I. It just puzzles me that some people think that I have changed too much when in reality, we all did and the worst thing about that is that they changed even more than me but that never really entered my mind and hindered me from talking or communicating with them. So here I am now…

I feel like my past is incomplete. I struggle with memories that I have had so long. All the letters, all the pictures, EVERYTHING! They are still stuck in my head but there are some blurry and unclear parts. I feel like I will never be complete if I don’t go back to the past but how? That question seems to elude me. And then it hit me. The only thing to do would be to try and reach out more to them but it isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. It’s like the more I give effort and time to try it, the more the chance escapes.

I may never find the answer to my question and the missing pieces of my life at the moment bur I strongly believe I will do so in the future so for now I must go on living and keep on trying. All of this may be the consequences of all the things I have done in the past but I should never regret anything. My mind should be clear as I continue this walk through life for I may never be someone better if I hold on to what I know is already gone…

The Lost ME

Oh moonlight, you haunt me, you lure me

You take me into the darkness of the pale blood moon

Shadows lurking, creeping into the loneliness

Surrounded by the never ending abyss

Have I been forgotten by time?

No bounds can hold me, nothing can stop me

Souls incinerated, bitterness and wrath, I dispel

Catastrophe and chaos that’s all that leads me to

I can never run, I can never hide

This is my fate, come and summon me

Is this Hell or simply Purgatory?

Changed and broken, lost without words

Memories shattered, blood on the floor

Dull eyes staring at the blank room, am I slowly fading away?

What has become of me? Am I in a world of discontent?

I want to be safe, I want to be free

No way out, everything’s flashing before me

I can’t stay, I can’t plead, and I don’t belong here

Hate me, love me, despise me, it doesn’t matter now

Don’t wonder what has become of me for this is what’s meant to be...

Sometimes I wonder when I will stop hurting or when I will not be hurt anymore. I am afraid of pain and suffering but feeling it is a sign that I am alive. I have had many experiences in my life and some of them have scarred me for life. I do not want to enumerate all of them but I know that I should have learned from them. From being bullied in school to having mistakes in my past, I never understood why I had to go through it all. They say that having had bad experiences can make a person stronger and wiser...

I admit to being a cry baby. I am very sensitive. I cry a lot and sometimes others get annoyed by it. I don’t understand why people should be annoyed or irritated by it. I think I would rather be apathetic than to have this feeling inside but then again if I would never feel anything, that would mean that I am emotionless or a so called robot in society. I have often wondered what my life would be like if I wasn’t like this. If I were not to feel then I would never feel what it’s like to be loved. I would never know what joy or sadness would be...

I would live a life without knowing what emotion is. I wouldn’t know the joy of having a family, friends or even a partner in life. Just like what my old English teacher told me: “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never felt love at all.” Suddenly everything slowly unfolds. Maybe I do have a sad life, a sad self and a sad world. Everything that embodies me would be sadness. I am misunderstood and depressed. I am optimistic but I break easily because of many factors around me. I am controlled not by myself but by others. I live to please and never to be just me...

I am not rich or poor. I am simple yet complicated. I do not assume and expect too much but I think a lot and that affects everything else. I consider many things not only myself. I care too much that it’s annoying. I strive hard for other reasons. I earn money because I have to. I lie because I want to protect others. And now here I am realizing that even if I do feel, I am still a robot, a puppet that everybody can control. I long for something true in order for me to be true as well. I want to feel what it’s like to be real and not to be haunted by my past. I want to feel safe and loved. I want to free myself and my mind from my doubts, aggravations, worries and many others that surround me...

Is this ever possible? Will I be able to achieve such a feat? Am I ever destined to make it through? Yes, I know. I am what and who I am but what makes me who and what I am? At this point, I am lost. I guess I will forever be lost. I will be a drifter. I’ll be forever longing for a reason to go on living. Forever seeking they joy of being. It’s sad I know. I am forever in this melancholic state. I am like in a raging sea just waiting to drown and to fall in the never ending abyss. Will anybody come and save me?  I will never know...

Recently I feel like my life is being controlled not by what I really want but by what I want partially and most of the time what others want for me. I don’t know there are times when I feel lonely and confused. I can’t even understand myself at times anymore. I do my best in everything but sometimes I feel it isn’t enough. Recognition is not an easy one to get. Sometimes along the road, I feel lost. I am like a drifter who will forever wander into the never ending abyss. I am just lost and broken at times. I feel like I have lost the way. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am always misunderstood. I feel like nobody can ever understand what I want and who I really am. Maybe I wasn’t made for a purpose in life. Sometimes I don’t know what it is anymore. I can be happy and sad at the same time. A small part of myself is empty. It is lacking something. I just don’t know what it is. I find myself caught up in everything at the moment which makes everything even more complicated right now. I know I have people who love me but sometimes I feel that they don’t. Maybe I am just aiming or hoping for other things while they do exactly what I don’t want them to do so.

In the long run, everybody else is happy meanwhile, I am partially happy as well. Maybe it’s because I have doubts, insecurities and anxieties. I guess I will never know. I hate myself for sometimes being lame. I feel like I am doing things that I can but nobody else notices. To them my greatest efforts are mere attempts and are never enough to win their hearts. They always long for more and they drive me mad just to achieve it. Here I am going mad while thinking of ways on how to achieve such tasks. I wonder whether I would be able to break away from this vicious chain or will I be forever stuck in this charade. It’s a game that I am in and we are all the major players. It’s either we play to live or to die trying. I thought it was easy to try and escape but it never was. I may sound crazy but I am simply blurting out the truth. I wish all the bad things I feel are merely in my dreams. I wish I could open my eyes and wake up to a better reality but it’s just a lie.

So here I am still floating in my absent minded world. I am still trying to figure out the world I live in, why I am here, what’s going on and when will it end. I am a person hiding within a mask. I smile even when I am hurting, I try to laugh when I am barely alive and breathing, I simply ignore everything when I know I am suffocating and bleeding. Is it hopeless? Maybe I am a martyr. I would rather be hurt by others than to hurt others. I have done my share of bad decisions which lead me far. I have been different since then. I wonder if others can tell. I am not the ‘’me’’ that I used to be. I wish they would notice. I hope they would be proud of me but all I get is nothing – just a bucket of tears and a collection of memories and heartache. This is my life and perhaps my fate. I can never run away from it so I better just accept it...

 Hey! Another month is finally over. I can't believe it...Well, time really flies by too fast. I can't seem to remember when was the last time I was here for a long time. I know I was here the other day but that was the first after a long break. That's why it's kinda appropriate to say that my long break from my blog is over.

Anyway, I don't sound like I make sense. Hmm...You must be wondering what I have been upto lately. Well, I'm still a movie geek. That's a fact and it will never change no matter what. I've been watching a lot of movies lately and most of them rock. As a matter of fact, my madness to movies lead me to make a group in friendster which is all about movies, reviews and such. As for music, I've been listening to a lot of FALL OUT BOY, ANGELS AND AIRWAVES, GWEN STEFANI, NO DOUBT, FERGIE and ALISHA'S ATTIC at the moment. I will be uploading some of their audio here next time when I get more time. I think they all embody who and what I am now! Remember, I'm not angry at the world but some people think I am. Maybe I am sending the wrong message especially because I am back to loving weird stuff again. I guess chatting and using nicks like dead girl in the attic and girl from hell ain't normal after all...

I currently am working on my creative juices to flow again. Hopefully, I will be able to make it work. I'm glad I'm back to poetry. I'm struggling but I'm making it work. I have a lot of ideas. Maybe I just need some time to make it all okay. I need a break from my hectic schedule too. Yeah, well, maybe I really need to break free from the company that I am affiliated too full time. It's really starting to wear me down a lot these days. Believe me, that ain't fun! Aside from working on that part of myself and my life I am also doing my best to fix my life especially my career. It's not that I don't like my job. It's just that I feel that I'm not supposed to be here. Just like what I mentioned in my earlier post, I love my job but I hate the company that I am with so that makes me unhappy. Misery loves me that much! Hopefully, I will be able to get pass this...^^

Hey! Finally, my long break from it all racket is over! Thanks to becoming a workaholic lately. As of now, I'm fed up with everything that's been going on around here. I'm sick and tired of all the lies and the responsibilities handed down to me. Can people ever leave what they have been a part of behind? I understand that there is always something that affect a person's decision. If not the bond and attachment that one has with those around him or her, it's the salary or maybe the working environment. In my case, all I can say is that I've been to hell and back. I am indestructible but I ain't invicible. I am weak too but I am not emotionally shallow. Some people say that I don't really fit it right away in a crowd. Must be because I ain't supposed to be in one. I think of myself as someone who should have solitude at most times. I strongly believe that in order to find the real you, you must have solitude...

I am afraid of pain. I am afraid to get hurt and hurt someone else. I do my best to cower when I can. Covering myself and shielding to safety always leads me to the right path. After all, the only permanent thing is this world is change. It's inevitable...Disasters strike. They really happen especially when you are not aware of it or caught of guard. That's what we call accidents! Mistakes and failures are a part of me. They are all a part of the greatest thing I've ever known which is called life. Don't get me wrong; I don't love my life much. I can say that most of the time it's hell but in every single heaven that I get, I get to realize how important it is to co-exist with everybody...Good God! It's great to be alive! Maybe you can also utter how nice it is to be human again...

I don't know what lies ahead of me...all I know is that there is no such thing as destiny or fate. We all are the architects of what lies ahead. Anyway, my working environment will start to crumble soon. This place that I call office shall never be where I'm working anymore. The station where I usually work on shall be an empty space once more and the familiar faces shall be familiar no more. I'll start from another clean slate, a new record, a new life, a new career, a brand new start! Maybe this is what God really wanted. Maybe he wants to see a brand new me. For I'm just a simple girl living in captivity. I have been held prisoner by this place for so long that I don't know what it's like to be in the wilderness. I want to try though but I'm still a bit scared...I will now soon. I can't wait! Watch out people for my long break is over. I'm breaking free and no one gonna stop me. Look away and back off! I'm leaving and nobody's gonna make me stay. Keep me up all night. I'm hanging on for dear life! Oops! I gotta go...So long, goodnight! ^^

What are these words that I utter?

My mind is wandering now as I ponder…

Have you ever tried to wonder?

I keep on thinking as I wander…

What is the true meaning of life and existence?

Thoughts keep on coming to my head as if they make any sense

Do I need to crash and burn before I can follow?

Do I have to be in pain and drown in sorrow?

What’s it like to be normal?

I don’t know and I don’t care ‘cause I ain’t that formal

Am I lost or did it just hit me?

Death has come more than twice and I never let it take me…

A few minutes more before I slumber

I lie awake drifting into my dreams right before I falter

Failure is my guide and bad luck is my master

If you want to save me try to whisper

Can you make me feel again?

I feel so numb due to pain; I know that forever it shall remain

Keep on yappin’ until your lungs give out

Push me to the edge of a cliff then I’ll know what you’re about

I’m on the brink of extinction in a blink of an eye

You won’t see me now, you can’t see me, goodbye!

Your love was all I ever wanted but you threw it away…

I am lifeless now; I’ll be seeing you again someday

To hell and back is where we’ll be

There you will finally see the new me!!!

You looked so innocent with your cute smile